Have you ever noticed that sometimes couples seem to look alike? If it’s more than matching sweaters that has you and boyfy #twinning, then you are not alone! The latest Instagram account to go viral, @siblingsordating has people asking the age old question, “are they siblings, or are they dating!?” This made me wonder….what does the research say around attraction…. are we actually attracted to people who look like ourselves, or do we prefer those who appear different? Are we epic narcissists who seek out people who share our good looks or is this something that happens unconsciously? Do couples start to look alike once they start dating!? Read more to find out!!
Even though it’s said that opposites attract, when it comes to appearance, the research supports that we tend to be attracted to those who appear familiar to us.
It is generally believed that people tend to be attracted to and pair with others who resemble their parents, particular the opposite sex parent, or themselves. Several studies have shown that spouses tend to be more genetically similar than strangers. This could be because we’re familiar with our own appearances, so seeing other people who share those similar sorts of features might lead to more liking and feelings of familiarity and comfort, but it’s probably an unconscious process, more so than a deliberate attempt to find people who look the same as us.
A 2013 study used composite photos which blended their partner’s face with either features from a random person’s face, or the participant’s own face. The participants preferred the image of their partner’s face with a small amount of their own face blended into it, over the images with other faces blended in.
A study conducted in 2018, showed that people with biracial parents were more attracted to people who look like their parents, regardless of the gender of the parent.
Source: https://www.instagram.com/p/CGJMmb8hZWj/
Do couples start to look like each other over time?
With time, research shows that couples start to look more alike! A study in the late 80’s by Robert Zajonc, showed that Couples who originally had no particular resemblance to each other when first married had, after 25 years of marriage, come to resemble each other. Zajonc thought that this occurs because we become so close to our spouses, that we start to unconsciously mimic their facial expressions when we show empathy towards them. This makes changes in the facial muscles we regularly use, and the pattern of wrinkles on our face, which can change our faces subtly and make couple start to resemble each other.
However, dating those who are dissimilar from ourselves could be a good thing! A 2015 survey of 350,000 people showed the more distantly related an individual’s parents were the taller they tended to be, the higher they scored on cognitive tests and the better their levels of educational attainments. Booyah!
But is initial attraction everything? What about long term attraction?
The similarity might lead to the initial attraction, but sharing the same values is probably a better predictor of long term happiness. Good communication, shared interest and values are so important.
Renowned psychologist John Gottman’s research showed that happier couples have more positive communication than negative. For every negative interaction, a happy and stable relationship would also have five positive interactions. Couples with only a 1:1 ratio, or less, would indicate an unhealthy relationship.
So when you’re thinking about dating…remember that looks aren’t everything, but in the short term, don’t be surprised if your partner looks a bit like you!!
This post was originally based on a radio interview with ABC radio. To listed to the interview, click below:
I can confess that on many occasions I’ve missed out on fantastic opportunities for fear of failure or rejection. Low confidence can hold us back from achieving our goals and living our dreams. Confidence is not an easy thing to build. Sometimes, depending on the circumstance, our confidence can fluctuate. In today’s world, we’re often comparing ourselves to others which leads us to focus on the things we don’t have.
Today’s article shares 5 simple tips based on research, which may help you to build your confidence and to smash your goals!
Our body language plays a powerful role in how we feel. Have you ever noticed that when you’re feeling nervous or shy, that your posture changes…we may hunch our shoulders, fold our arms or fidget..we might look at our phones in an effort to appear busy…. We may even talk faster or more quietly. Social Psychologist Amy Cuddy states that powerful people are more assertive and more confident – powerful people use more open and expansive postures, they make themselves bigger through taking up more space, and may take up more time by speaking slowly and clearly.
Amy Cuddy offers an easy life hack to change your confidence, simply by changing your posture for just two minutes. She calls this Power Posing. Power posing involves spending two minutes holding a powerful postural pose – such as the classic Wonder Woman pose. Cuddy’s research has demonstrated that when people hold power poses for two minutes, they feel more confident. Before you go into a stressful situation, such as a job interview or difficult conversation, sneak into a private space and spend two minutes holding a power pose.
When you enter the situation, you don’t need to hold the power pose by any means, but be mindful of your body language– focus on keeping your shoulders back and chest forward, making eye contact, use open gestures and avoid collapsing your arms or wringing your hands. You can even try using props to keep your arms from collapsing in – for example, holding an object, or placing your hand on the desk to force yourself to stretch out, rather than collapse in. Speak slowly and clearly and avoid rushing through what you’re saying.
Cuddy states “Don’t fake it til you make it…fake it until you become it!”
Tip #2: Stay present in the moment
Often when we feel less confident, our focus drifts away from the situation itself, and turns inwards. Rather than being present in a conversation, you may be busy thinking about what you’re going to say next, or whether you have anything interesting to contribute to the conversation. However, when this happens, we appear less present and distracted, and others may perceive that we’re not interested in talking to them. Practice using active listening skills, and genuinely listening to what the other person has to say. When we listen and engage we appear more present, and confident. Maintain good eye contact, show the person you are listening but acknowledging what they’re saying, and ask them questions about their experience to show you are engaged. If we’re nervous in a social setting, we may reach for our phones in an attempt to look busy, but this may make others perceive you as uninterested in the situation, so avoid the temptation to look at your phone!
Don’t underestimate the power of distraction – feeling like you’re drifting off into your own thoughts or insecurities? An easy way to get present is to spend a few minutes to use your senses – notice 5 things you can see in the room, 5 sounds you can hear, and 5 things you can touch or feel.
Tip #3: Make self-care a priority
Increase your positive health behaviours – exercising on a daily basis and eating a nutritious diet can help us to feel more confident. When we feel at our best physically, we feel more confident. When we exercise regularly, it increases levels of feel good chemicals including serotonin and endorphins and also helps us to reduce stress levels.
A 2016 study published in the Journal of Neuropsychiatric disease and treatment showed that there is a direct link between physical exercise and self-esteem. The study also showed that participants who regularly engage in physical activity, not only have higher self-esteem, but have a better sense of body image, through the opportunity to increase strength and muscle tone and to improve flexibility, strength and balance.
Don’t forget to get adequate sleep and to nourish your body with healthy food!
Tip #4: Stop comparing yourself to others
Do you compare you compare yourself to others? Many of us compare our looks, our possessions, our jobs and salaries with those around us. This can lead us to feel like we’re not good enough and reduce our confidence. When we compare ourselves to others, we often experience envy.
A 2018 study published in the journal of Personality and Individual Differences showed that envy is associated with self-esteem instability and that the more envy we experience, the worse we feel about ourselves!
Next time you find yourself comparing yourself to someone else, or experiencing envy, remember that self-comparison reduces our confidence and leads us to focus on what we don’t have…not what we do have. Stop and reflect on your own strengths and achievements. A simple tool you can try to improve this is to create a list of your strengths, achievements and the things you are grateful for. Try and add to your list regularly and keep is somewhere where you can easily read it.
Tip #5: Practice having self-compassion
Remember that we all make mistakes, and as humans, all of us have had experience in saying the wrong thing, making mistakes…none of us are perfect but in today’s world, many of us develop unrealistic or perfectionistic standards for ourselves. When we hold incredibly high standards for ourselves, often we can be our own worst critics if we make a mistake or fail sometimes. For perfectionists, even when a task is completed, they may focus on the things they don’t think they did well.
Psychologist Kristen Neff suggests practicing self-compassion as an alternative to chasing self-esteem. Our self-esteem can fluctuate based on what’s happening in our lives, or comparisons to others, which can lead us to feel inadequate.
Self-compassion “is a way to feel good about ourselves which isn’t contingent on others and doesn’t require us to be perfect”. “Treat yourself like you would treat a close friend who was struggling”. – Kristen Neff.
A 2008 study published in the journal of Personality showed that “self‐compassion predicted more stable feelings of self‐worth than self‐esteem and was less contingent on particular outcomes. Self‐compassion also had a stronger negative association with social comparison, public self‐consciousness, self‐rumination, anger, and need for cognitive closure.”
Here are some simple techniques you can try to cultivate self-compassion:
Notice when you’re using negative self-talk, and reframe with compassionate self talk which acknowledges that all humans struggle sometimes. Try maintaining a focus on the things you have achieved or done well, rather than the things you haven’t.
In her book “Self-Compassion”, Kristen Neff suggests this simple exercise when you’re experiencing negative emotion. This could be something you try after experiencing a failure or setback:
It’s hard to feel (XXX) right now)
Feeling (XYZ) is a part of the human experience
What can I do to make myself happier in this moment?
Remember that building your confidence doesn’t happen over night, and is a holistic process that you can approach from many angles. I hope these tips help you to boost your confidence (and to be kinder and more compassionate to yourself when setbacks come along!) Don’t forget most importantly to be yourself, own it and make no apologies for who you are!!
Are you guilty of procrastinating? Do you spend more time engaging in morning banter by the water-cooler than you do at your desk? Are you working hard, or are you #hardlyworking!? We’ve all been there!
Getting focused and achieving the things we need to do can be tough. In turn, when we procrastinate, this can stop us from achieving key goals. If procrastinating is so disruptive, why do we do it!?
Many of us blame laziness or lack of care as reasons for procrastination, but often this is far from the case!!
A simple reason as to why we procrastinate, is often because we’re experiencing uncomfortable feelings of stress or anxiety about the task we are avoiding. We could be worried that the task is difficult, or more importantly, we may be worrying about whether there is a chance we could actually fail at the task.
Often when we feel threatened, it feels easier to avoid (by procrastinating!) than to face the difficult task itself. Procrastination may even serve as a form of self-sabotage if it starts to interfere with important life goals. Research shows that self-sabotage is a strategy we use to protect ourselves from the painful feelings of potential failure. It’s easy to blame procrastination or “not having enough time” than it is to admit that we genuinely struggled with a task.
Unfortunately, procrastination or avoidance might help us get a feeling of relief in the short term, because we don’t have to face the dreaded task we’re worried about….but in the longer term, our feelings of stress and anxiety often increase when we procrastinate, and we may even start to experience emotions such as guilt and shame if we haven’t achieved the goal we set about to achieve.
So how can we reduce procrastination? Here are my top five tips to help beat procrastination and get down to business!
Reflect on your triggers for procrastination. Do you have a difficult task such as calling difficult customers, having a tough conversation with a colleague or working on a challenging report that you always try and avoid? Recognising the tasks that cause your anxiety to increase can help you to better manage those tasks. If you know you have a difficult call scheduled, plan to allow yourself time to prepare, and to take a coffee break after to de-stress and relax before your next task.
Get the most difficult task out of the way first. Many of us leave the tasks we are dreading until the end of the day…but often when we know we have something really difficult to work on, our anxiety can increase, and we may find excuses simple not to get to the tough task. Getting a difficult task out of the way quickly will help relieve your anxiety and give you feelings of accomplishment. You’ll feel better for the rest of the day knowing that it’s out of the way.
Try the Pomodoro Technique. This technique involves setting a timer for 25 minutes, and focusing on a single task during this time. Ensure you remain distraction free during this time. After 25 minutes, you can take a 5 minute break to relax. See how many Pomodoro’s you can get done in a day!
Write a list of your three most important tasks to complete for the day: To-do lists can be overwhelming, and often leave us feeling unsure of where to start. At the beginning of the day reflect on three things that are essential to achieve in the day. Focus on those three critical things and create a plan for how to best use your time.
Disconnect to minimise distractions: When attempting to work, we’re often also receiving text messages, emails, Facebook Messages, Whatsapp messages, news blasts, newsletters and all kinds of other alerts. When working on an important task, try closing your email down for an hour, and turn your phone onto flight mood. This will allow you to keep your attention where it most needs to be.
Would you try these tips? What are your most common ways to procrastinate? Water-cooler banter? Coffee and cake breaks? Coming up with pointless busywork to do instead of the actual important work? I’d love to hear about your favourite procrastination methods!!!
Positivity continues to be buzz word at the moment, but how important is the expression of positivity by individuals in creating positive systems?. “Being positive” has been touted as the solution for almost every life dilemma/ailment/the cat rang away from home situation you can think of, but is simply expressing positivity like Ed Sheeran releases singles really the answer to creating happiness? Can the actions of one individual change the dynamics of a relationship, group or workplace environment?
Expression of positivity gained attention through the research of renowned psychologist, John Gottman. In the 1970s, Gottman began to conduct longitudinal studies examining the differences between happy and unhappy couples. The researchers asked couples to solve a problem in their relationship in just 15 minutes. The interactions were filmed and analysed, and amazingly, the researches were able to identify one factor which would predict with a 90% degree of accuracy if the couples stayed together or divorced.
The researchers identified that the key factor which differentiated happy and unhappy couples, was the balance of positive vs negative interactions during conflict. The magic ratio they identified was 5:1. For every negative interaction, a happy and stable relationship would also have five positive interactions. Couples with only a 1:1 ratio, or less, would indicate an unhealthy relationship.
So does this mean that there is a magic number of positive interactions we should have on a daily basis to help our relationships (and ourselves) to flourish?
Research into the “magic positivity number” continued, through the work of Social Psychologist Marcial Losada, who began to look at the role of positive and negative interactions on team performance. Through his research, Losada discovered that high performing teams have significantly higher positivity to negativity ratios than low performance teams. He calculated the “Losado Ratio” which is calculated by dividing the sum of positive interactions (“I agree with that,” “great idea!!” etc) in a system by the sum of negative interactions (“I don’t agree with you,” “we shouldn’t even consider that!!” etc). A ratio of between 3 and 6 was highly correlated with high performance. In Losada’s study, the highest performing teams showed nearly 6 positive comments for every negative comment that was made.
Do does this mean we should ditch negativity and start praising the crap out of our colleagues/loved ones/strangers in the street!? “Hello there, your hair looks so shiny today” etc?
Providing negative feedback has an important role in workplaces and relationships, guarding against factors like Groupthink (when a desire for group harmony results in poor decision making) and also complacency or poor performance. We sometimes need to hear negative feedback to enhance our performance and make positive changes. Also, if we don’t express our feelings to others, we can run the risk of becoming passive aggressive, or expressing our frustration in maladaptive ways.
The good news is…negative feedback can be given in constructive ways that maintain positive emotional spaces. Here are a few tips to maintain positivity, whilst also being open and honest about negative feedback:
Identifying mutual goals or areas of common ground when delivering negative feedback can help maintain a sense that you’re both on the same page. Finding opportunities for agreement even in the midst of a conflict can help buffer the stress of a difficult workplace conversation or an argument with a friend or partner.
Listen to and acknowledge the other person’s perspective. Just because you don’t agree with someone else’s perspective, doesn’t mean that you can’t show that you’ve heard and acknowledged where the other person is coming from. Validating or summarising the perspective of the other party will help them to feel heard and understood (i.e, “that makes sense to me, I can see why that was useful for you” etc).
Provide positive feedback about what the person is doing well. Positive feedback reinforces us to repeat a behaviour. Acknowledging and praising the things someone is good at is a great way to encourage them to repeat and build on that behaviour.
Use positive emotion to buffer a difficult conversation. Take opportunities to provide praise or encouragement, or if appropriate, using humour or playfulness (in a respectful manner) can help receive the tension that comes with a difficult conversation.
When expressing negative comments, avoid falling into the traps that can lead relationships to deteriorate (showing contempt, defensiveness or criticism, or using tactics like stonewalling or dismissing the other person.
Can you take notice of your style of communication in the office? At home? With your friends? Do you take time to express positive emotions? Like any behaviour change, change starts at an individual level, and reflecting on our own behaviours if the first step in creating change.
If you could use a higher dose of positivity, practice expressing more positive emotion in your workplace (such as paying compliments, giving praise, using humour, listening to others and acknowledging their perspective or validating others). Set yourself a goal of having 6 positive interactions with your team, and notice if the dynamics of the team change over the course of the day.
Many of us are looking for a simple answer or quick fix to improve our physical and mental wellbeing. However, new research shows that a combination of life skills, which can be learned and built upon, may be key for reducing risk of depression and enhancing wellbeing into older age.
A study by Steptoe and Wardle (2017) examined 8000 participants over the age of 52 years old. The findings of the study link 5 important life skills with a variety of benefits, including lower levels of depression, greater social connectedness, greater levels of subjective wellbeing, greater physical health in older adults and greater economic success.
The authors of the study outline that the combination of these five factors and can lead to greater wellbeing:
Concientiousness
Optimism
Emotional Stability
Sense of Personal Control
Determination
No one factor alone can account for the benefits outlined in the study, but instead an accumulation of the aforementioned life skills is important. The authors suggest “fostering and maintaining these skills in adult life may be relevant for health and wellbeing at older ages.”
Individuals with the lowest rates of the five skills had a 23% rate of depression. Those with the highest amounts of the skills, had a rate of just 3% who suffered from depression.
The good news is, is that if you feel you could improve in some of the skills mentioned above, these things can all be developed and built on.
Here are some simple tips I’ve put together to help you to increase these important skills:
Conscientiousness – if you’re not someone who is naturally conscientious, this can be a broad area to try and improve. Focus on a small area at a time – for example, improving your punctuality by planning ahead the night before…or creating a plan or list of tasks that you’re going to complete the next day. Remember when planning, to be realistic about what you can achieve in a day so you don’t run the risk of overcommitting, then feeling you haven’t accomplished your goals.
Optimism – If you tend to see things from a pessimistic viewpoint, you may have a tendency to attribute good things to external successes, and bad things to internal, permanent causes….but this can be changed. Reflect on a recent success or positive event in your life, and write down what you did that contributed to that success. If you’re feeling doubtful or pessimistic about an event in the future, try asking others for their unique perspective, to help you to gain a more balanced view of the situation.
Emotional Stability – Practising mindfulness may be a simple way to improve your emotional stability. Regular practice of mindfulness has been linked to improving mood fluctuations and having better control over mood throughout the day (see study here!!). If you’re interested in practising some simple mindfulness mediations, try downloading a mindfulness app, such as Smiling Mind or Calm.
Sense of Control – If you’re feeling like life is often out of control, try setting yourself a small goal where you can measure and assess your progress. Keeping a log of your baseline behaviours, then recording and monitoring your successes can be a great way of helping you to feel in control and to improve your self regulation. It could be learning a new skill, or making a lifestyle change such as increasing your exercise or changing your diet. Reflect on the hand work and effort that you put in to help make your goal a success.
Determination – Once you’ve set yourself a goal, aim to persevere, and avoid changing goals too soon. Try and persevere and stick to the task you’ve set yourself. If you set yourself a regular time to devote to your goal, you’re more likely to stick with it.
Would you try these tips? Do you excel in any of these skill areas, or are there specific areas you feel you need improvement in?
If you’re finding that any of the skills mentioned above are holding you back, speak with your GP for a referral to a psychologist in your local area, or contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 (Australia only) for 24/7 telephone counselling support.
Are you your own worst critic? Do you set higher standards for yourself than you do for others? Cultivating some self compassion could help you to thrive, and to reduce your stress levels!
A recent study by Gunell and others (2017) showed that uni students who showed higher levels of self compassion, were better able to cope with the demands of stress, and reported higher levels of energy, optimism and engagement, compared to their less self-compassionate peers. They also showed increased psychological needs satisfaction, and decreased negative emotion, leading to higher levels of wellbeing.
The questionnaire measured three components of self compassion: mindfulness, self kindness and common humanity. The participants were 189 first year university students, and were asked how frequently they agree with questions such as “when something upsets me I try to keep my emotions in balance.”
A further study by Fredrikson and others (2008) showed that people who participated in daily loving kindness meditations showed increased levels of daily happiness when compared to a control group.
The researchers state “these shifts in positive emotions took time to appear and were not large in magnitude, but over the course of 9 weeks, they were linked to increases in a variety of personal resources, including mindful attention, self-acceptance, positive relations with others, and good physical health. Moreover, these gains in personal resources were consequential: They enabled people to become more satisfied with their lives and to experience fewer symptoms of depression.
The researchers state that “positive emotions produce success and health as much as they reflect these good outcomes.”
So is self compassion simply being easy on yourself? Rewarding yourself more? Developing self compassion can take time and practice. We often have quite deeply ingrained thoughts about ourselves and the world, which take time to change. Try the below simple techniques to increase your self compassion:
Try “Loving-kindness” meditations. These meditations can help you to learn to direct compassion towards yourself and to others. In addition, regular practice of mindfulness meditations can help you to connect with the present and let of go of judgements. The less we judge ourselves, the simpler it is to be easy on ourselves!! Try the Calm app, for free and easy to follow loving kindness meditations, or read more here.
Put things in perspective. If you experience a setback or hardship, ask yourself the following question: “If my friend X were in this situation, what advice would I give them? What would I tell them?” We’re often much tougher on ourselves than we are on others – take the time to think about what your reaction would be if someone else were in the same situation.
Reframe setbacks into positives – if you’ve encountered something difficult, consider what your learned from the situation? Did you grow from the situation? Did you use your strengths and try hard? Try and reflect on the learnings you gained from the situation, and acknowledge the effort you put in.
Turn your ANTS into PETS. Get to know your automatic negative thoughts (ANTS), and turn them into performance enhancing thoughts (PETS). What do you tell yourself when you’re judging yourself harshly? You may find the same negative thoughts creep back again and again (“not good enough”, “I’m a failure” etc). Remember that these thoughts are simply thoughts and not facts. Try and think of some more useful self talk that could help you through the situation (Performance enhancing thoughts) – such as “I can keep trying and succeed” or “I can you my strengths to help achieve my goal in another way”.
Are you self compassionate? Would you try these tips? What do you do to cultivate self compassion?
Resilience is a buzz word in workplaces at the moment….but what exactly is resilience, and how do we increase it?
There are varying definitions and ways of measuring resilience, but to put it simply, resilience is the psychological capacity to bounce back from setbacks. Some people are more resilient than others, and seem to cope with setbacks well, but for others, those same setbacks can be quite different. The important thing to remember, is that resilience can be practiced and built!!
There are several characteristics that resilient people often share. These include:
The ability to ask for help when needed, and to utilise the support network they have in place.
The ability to reflect on longer term goals and values when a setback comes along.
The ability to see failure and setbacks as a learning and growth opportunity.
Here are some of my favourite tips to help boost your resilience:
Get to know your own warning signs that indicate your stress levels may be feeling too high – what does it look like for you when you’re under more stress than you can cope with? What are those triggers at work and at home that send your stress levels sky rocketing? Once you’re aware of these warning signs and triggers, you can actively plan to manage them, by scheduling in activities that help you to cope, such as taking a lunch break, seeking support from your manager at work, going for a walk or to a yoga class, or whatever works for you.
Consider your reaction to the situation you’re in. Remember that no two people experience the same event in the same way – our thoughts and attitudes about an experience strongly colour the experience we then have. If you’re having a strong emotional reaction, ask yourself the question “is my reaction helping me with doing what I need to do” – if not, try and hold your perspective a little less tightly and focus on the things within your control.
Consider the coping style you’re adopting. There are three main types of coping style – problem focused, which involves doing things that directly impact the problem, emotion focused – which doesn’t change the problem, but helps deal with the emotions you’re experiencing in relation to the problem, and avoidant coping – which involves doing nothing at all. Problem focused coping has the best outcomes for wellbeing, if you can directly work to resolve the problem. However, if you’re feeling too emotional, or the problem is currently out of your control (ie, it’s 3am at night!) – engage in emotion focused coping to help relax, refocus and recharge until you can take action in regards to the problem.
Make time for positive emotions. Positive emotions are linked with increases in wellbeing, as well as increased creativity and problem solving ability (read more here!). Positive emotions can also serve as a buffer against stress and help you to physically recover from stress! The key takeaway here is that when you’re stressed, it’s more important than ever to do things you enjoy and that make you happy!!
Show some GRIT!! People with GRIT show high levels of passion and perseverance – people high in GRIT can outperform people high in IQ – a bit of GRIT can help you to succeed!! For more info, see this TED talk by Angela Lee Duckworth.
Consider how you perceive stress – can you embrace stress as a challenge, rather than as something harmful? See this TED talk by Kelly Mcgonigal for some information!!
Look after your physical health – if you’re eating well, exercising every day and sleeping 7-8 hours per night, you will be better equipped to cope with stress when it comes along.
When a setback comes along, ask yourself these questions:
Which of my strengths can I draw upon to help get me through this.
What could I learn from this setback? How could it help me to grow, or to see a bigger perspective?
Who can I draw upon from my support network for help? Do I need practical support or emotional support? This question can help you determine who the best person may be to help. Are these services you can draw upon, or do you need help from your psychologist or GP.
Would you try these tips? What else helps you to cope with setbacks?
Don’t forget, if you feel like you’re having difficulty coping with a setback, you can talk to your GP, or contact LifeLine (Australia only) on 13 14 11.
When you hear the term “Mental Toughness” it’s easy to think of sportspeople, or people putting themselves through extreme feats like climbing Mount Everest!! Mental Toughness seems to be everywhere today, and is frequently referenced in sporting literature…. but do you need to be super sporty, or hike through mud and snow to be mentally tough? Or can mental toughness help anyone achieve their goals? Are there mentally tough musicians, dancers, office workers, accountants etc!?
Anyone, in fact, can be mentally tough….regardless of your interest or lack of interest in sport/ice bucket challenges/Tough Mudder/eating insects etc. *Phew!*
Mentally toughness can be defined as “a collection of values, attitudes, behaviours, emotions, which enable and individual to persevere through any adversity, and to maintain concentration and motivation when things are going well” (Gucciardi & Gordon, 2007). So in a nutshell, it’s about having qualities which can help direct you to persevere towards your goals and to be motivated to keep persevering!!
So what are these wonderful qualities which make up mental toughness? Clough & Strycharczyk (2011) use the 4 “C’s” model of mental toughness, which breaks mental toughness into:
Challenge – this is about embracing change, and seeing challenges as opportunities for growth!
Control – this is about having a “can do” attitude, feelings of accountability and belief you can achieve the outcomes you want, as well as your ability to control your emotions.
Confidence – a belief in your own abilities, as well as confidence in your ability to influence others!
Commitment – an ability to set clear goals, and to persevere towards them!
This all sounds great in theory, but are some people just born more “mentally tough” than others!? Well luckily, mental toughness can be taught, and there are several strategies which have been tried and tested in the field of sports psychology, which are now translating to coaching and management literature.
There is no quick fix to become mentally tough, but through a combination of strategies, you can increase your mental toughness….here are a few of my favourite strategies!!
Goal setting. Whilst this sounds simple, setting clear goals can help to direct your attention to the important tasks you need to focus on, and can enhance your commitment to goals. Just remember to set your goals at a level of difficulty that is at the right level of challenge. You may start which smaller, easier to achieve sub goals, then work towards increasing your sense of challenge buy progressing setting more difficult goals. Think about how you will measure your goals….how will you know when you’ve achieved them? Think about the support or resources you might need to achieve your goals.
Mindfulness. Mindfulness compliments mental toughness in many ways – mindfulness is actually a fantastic tool for helping you to develop attentional control and focus (a key element of the “control” component of mental toughness!). In turn, when you’re better able to focus and remain in control of your emotions, you may just find you experience increased confidence as a result of this!
Imagery. Imagery, or mental rehearsal, is commonly used by athletes who are trying to practice and perfect their technical skills, without engaging in physical practice, and can also help increase your feelings of confidence and control. Whatever you’re working on developing your mental toughness for, you can apply imagery to. Are you giving a performance? A speech? Playing in a tennis match? Whatever the task, close your eyes and imagine performing the task in real time. Imagine yourself in the same setting where you would perform the actual task. Think of the feelings you would typically have at the time of the task, and try and bring those to mind. Practice your task/performance in as much detail as you can, using all your senses (imagining the task, imagining the sensations you would feel, imagining the sounds that you would hear). Imagine yourself performing the task perfectly!
Reflection. Mentally tough people regularly reflect on their successes and setbacks…what worked well and what didn’t. Reflection is a key tool to help you to review your progress, acknowledge your successes and improvements, and to make adjustments to your goals and strategies to achieve them if they’re not working!! You could also reflect on your past successes in similar situations to increase your optimism and confidence even more!!
Remember, like all changes, building mental toughness takes time and persistence!! Enlisting social support from friends and loved ones can also be a great tactic to help support you in your changes.
Would you try some of these strategies? Would you go on a mental toughness journey to help you to achieve and persevere at your goals?
I for one, know what it’s like to set goals just to realise I haven’t come close to achieving them!! I’ve set about many resolutions to increase my exercise, save money, improve my diet etc, but haven’t got there…why is this? Did I not clearly define what I wanted to achieve? Was I not motivated to actually achieve the goal? Or could it have been that I hadn’t taken the time to look at what I was currently doing, and reflect on this is relation to what I wanted to achieve.
Self regulation lies at the heart of goal setting. Self regulation is about firstly setting a standard for our desired behaviour, then monitoring our current behaviour….if the fit between our desired goal and our current behaviour is right, then we don’t need to act to change what we’re doing….. but if what we want to achieve does not match up with what were currently doing, this discrepancy (also known as Cognitive Dissonance) then motivates us to act!!
So….when preparing to make a change, firstly, set a clear goal for what you want to achieve (for example, I want to reduce my coffee consumption to one cup per day)…and then spend some time collecting some observations about what you are currently doing (currently drinking four cups!). It’s likely that simply comparing what you’re currently doing, to the goal or standard you wish to achieve, will increase your motivation to act towards change, as you have a clear baseline for what you want to address. Taking the time to really notice what we’re doing, also helps us to notice when we’re doing things on “auto-pilot” and to reflect on possible triggers for our behaviours. Is it that in fact I go for another coffee when I’m in need of a break, or is it to relieve boredom?
Wanting to change your diet? Start with a 1 week food diary where you write down everything you eat each day. Wanting to save money? Keep a log of every purchase you make (no matter how small) for seven days. At the end of your week reflect on your log/diary in relation to where you want to be. Then have a think about the triggers or antecedents that might have led to the behaviour you’ve logged. This simple self monitoring task is very likely to increase your motivation and help you achieve your goals. Continue your log as you set about achieving your goal, and this will give you objective feedback of your progress!!
It may sound basic, but it works!! Have you tried this strategy when making a change?
References:
Watson, D. (1997). The principles of self-regulation. Self directed behaviour: self modification for personal adjustment. Pacific Grove: California, pp 111 – 136.
